Finding Your Tribe
“Don't waste your time being what someone wants you to become, in order to feed their list of rules, boundaries and insecurities. Find your tribe. They will allow you to be you, while you dance in the rain.”
― Shannon L. Alder
The holidays are upon us and we're all thinking about visiting friends and family - or the expectation that we should. Some we look forward to and some we can even dread to see but we do it out of obligation and not upsetting the apple cart - and there's validity to that if the relationships are just not a good fit or maybe awkward, but not so much if they are toxic to our wellbeing. There's too much pressure in the winds this time of year to somehow let slide, erase, or forgive things that hurt for the sake of having a turkey dinner together. If grievances are petty - and often they are - it's a healthy pressure to re-evaluate and see if you can make amends and overcome clashes to heal. Sometimes though, the petty grieveances are just the lid on a giant cave of frustration, anxiety and pain that no one is wiling or ablel to address. In that case the superficial strain can be a lot to bear just to pour gravy and smile.
I once asked my favorite professor, "Sir, how do you know when you've done all you can and its' time to get out? " I was referring to a bad room mate situation at the time. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "If you've tried everything you know how to make it better and you're still unhappy then by all means get out". Sage advice in general really. We all have our limits - how much we can give, take, handle, discuss, open up, carry or shoulder. If you've reached them you may need a break - or you may need to learn to find your own tribe.
"Sometimes friends and family don’t understand what you’re aiming for or why. You might get funny looks, discouraging comments or just blank stares as you share your dreams, hopes and the choices you’re making to get there.
This is enough to make you question your own sanity and at times even give up on what you’re trying to achieve.
When you’re surrounded by your tribe they get what you’re trying to do. They support the choices you’ve made and can add to your thinking rather than stop it dead in its tracks." Karen Sargent
We all came here to Earth with life lessons and passions to express. We also came here to walk our own unique path to get there. It has always made me very sad for everyone, generation after generation, who try to thwart the passions of someone in their family in order to keep them beside them. It's innocent sometimes, and sickly manipulative in other cases the lengths people go to so they don't lose their idea of security and tradition. But a truly secure bond - family or friends - has room for personal choice and freedom within it. Understanding people's desires and choices - why they need to so something, travel somewhere, participate in something, or even marry someone that they need to learn from on their own journey - can be very tough to watch. But where is this pain truly coming from ?
Every family or social group can be called a tribe in a sense. There is a leader of some sort - often just he matriarch or patriarch is enough, and there are core values that everyone must obey to belong. So what happens if your values don't match the tribe you were born to ? it can be family , geography or culture ? What happens if you cannot accept the leader? If he leader is toxic ? This is the pain of so many social and family groups, and why so many people break off and build their own in their personal family, or interest groups.
Tribe: A social division in a traditional society consisting of families or communities linked by social, economic, religious, or blood ties, with a common culture and dialect, typically having a recognized leader.
We all need to feel we belong to something to survive well.
So how do we find our own tribe ?
1. We have to first have the courage to trust ourselves and disengage where we don't feel good. At the basic level we have to detach and let go of anything or anyone toxic - put downs, excessive criticism, shaming, or extreme behaviour problems that really need professional help.
2. The second thing we need to do is have faith that there ARE people who share your values on this planet and you CAN find them.
3. After that it's about getting clear on your values and goals so you can begin to explore who and where you can share them and start to build new bonds, or take your existing relationships deeper.
4. The rest is putting in the commitment and the time to joining groups, inviting people our, organising things, being introduced to others, and really just trusting that time will build trust in these new communities.
Yes, it does take courage, faith and some work - but it is far better than resigning yourself to being lonely when you don't have to. I found a great list that matched my own so well I had to share it. It guides every choice I"ve made all my life.
- Spirituality is at the center of my friendships, because it’s the center of my own life.
- I want to feel known, seen, heard and understood on a really deep level.
- I want to feel supported and cared for, and to give that back to my friends.
- I want to be friends with people who are deeply committed to their personal evolution.
Whenever I have honoured these guiding values in my life I have naturally and easily found new friends, or groups. I am very grateful to have met so many spiritual people in y life - and yet there is still work to be done in building the kind of spiritual community I've envisioned.
If you are HSP, empathic, intuitive and feel you haven't found your tribe I encourage you to come out to some of our Intuition Circles, Tarot Share Nights, Meditations and Mini Courses. Everyone there is also sensitive and searching, understanding the challenges of being this way in our current world.
I want to wish everyone a wonderful holiday season - full of love from wherever it comes <3
If any of this resonates with you and you would like my help please email me : firstname.lastname@example.org